January 2, 2017
We are in the home stretch of our two week waiting period post transfer of our two embryos. This is a crucial time for embryo implantation. Wednesday is the first pregnancy test, and the hope that the procedure is a success. Each day becomes more tense. I awake each morning and attempt to go about my business, but find myself worrying and wondering. I am unsure what is going on inside my body. Are the occasional symptoms I feel related to my Crohn’s disease, the hormones, or are they signs of pregnancy? In the alternative, if I do not feel anything does this mean that that the procedure was unsuccessful? My analytical mind is in full gear, and hindering my ability to relax.
Since December 20th, our lives have changed. The first few days we were able to keep busy exploring Prague and Berlin. Neither one of us showed angst or stress. We tried to enjoy our time away, and not to focus on what may or may not being going on inside my body.
Once we returned home, our moods drastically changed. Initially, the fatigue we experienced from jet lag made us both cranky and irritable. I endured not only jet lag, but the impact and side effects of the hormones I am forced to take to assist with the embryo implantation, and the normal fatigue I experience from Crohn’s disease. There are days that I am bed ridden from fatigue. At times, I burst into unexplainable tears. I am a nightmare, but thankfully Jeff stands by me and does his best to deal with my ever-changing moods.
Meanwhile, stress is heightened. The tension at times is so thick you can cut it with a knife. I often feel alone and unsure who to reach out to. I do not want to be a burden. I am not comfortable asking for help. Especially during the holidays when everyone was spending time with family and friends. There were moments that neither one of us knows what to say to each other, the result of the fear of the unknown. Our fears often manifest in unhealthy dialogue. Once we calm down we are back to supporting each other.
To compound the stress is the limitation on my ability to exercise. I miss the endorphins of exercise, impacting my mood. As a life long athlete, I have lived in the gym since age thirteen. The only times I have foregone weight training were my three prior IVF attempts, and for foot surgery two years ago. As an independent person, it is hard for me to ask for help. Especially when it is to a lift a bag or heavy item. I have to remind myself that it is for a good reason. I am not weak, but rather making a sacrifice for the hope of a child.
I know that this all a test. Another obstacle that we have the strength to overcome. I just pray that come Wednesday we will be on the road to parenthood. I am not blind to the long road that may lay ahead, but am hopeful that this time we will make it to the finish line.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.