After our last failed attempt at pregnancy using assisted reproductive technology, I was broken and without the emotional strength to do another treatment cycle. Jeff on the other hand, was determined that this was not going to be our last attempt. Our disconnect led to many tense moments and disagreements.
As the days and months passed, I felt deep sadness because despite our best efforts we remained childless. Everywhere I looked I saw beautiful children, and their doting parents. At times, I was overcome with despair and fear. In my mind, the prospect of trying again was daunting, and unrealistic, but life without a child lacked meaning and purpose.
Paralyzing thoughts invaded my mind at the thought of going through one more cycle of IVF with an egg donor. Was I strong enough to endure the months of hormones and the restrictions on my lifestyle? How could I cope with possible failure?
I found myself in the midst of both an internal and eternal battle. I often questioned my predicament. Was it time to give up? Was G-d sending us a message? How could I gain peace with any decision made about our future?
Ultimately, I realized that I was being selfish in making it “my decision,” without giving full and proper consideration to Jeff’s opinion and desires. I recognized the importance of listening to his ideas on how to proceed with our fertility plan.
With a new mindset we moved forward with “our” decision; recognizing the merit of his plan. His belief is that we leave no stone unturned. In other words, we try IVF with an egg donor one more time in a new clinic, and no matter the outcome, be content that we moved heaven and earth to conceive a child of our own.
So my friends and readers, I am here to announce that G-d willing we will be traveling overseas in December for one last attempt at IVF with an egg donor. Stay posted for more details about our next #ivfabroad adventure.