March 14, 2017
In the wake of our failed attempt at pregnancy through the use an egg donor, we have experienced trying times. There many days that I do want to get out of bed or face the world. I often wonder what my purpose is on this earth. Tears are frequent, and no matter how hard I try to ward them off inevitably the tears creep up at the most inopportune time. As I sit and reflect on why we are once again tested, I begin to realize that there is a positive outcome. I am blessed and find comfort in the beautiful messages and words of support from friends around the world. I gain strength from the knowledge that my story helps other women struggling with their infertility.
Amongst the beautiful words and messages of support is an email I received at the end of January from my dear friend who lives in Israel. Her words are powerful and poignant, and contain messages applicable to all of us who feel hopeless and perhaps lost:
I have no words. Your blog brought me to tears. I am with you in your pain though it is something I could never at all fully understand. You truly are an incredible person and I pray to Hashem that you and Jeff merit to find comfort and happiness and in your lives, and yes even though it seems impossible, the miracle of having a child of your own. Nothing is too big for Him. Your writing is incredible and really brought me to understand your journey and what you and Jeff have and are going through. May your writing and experiences bring healing and comfort to others going through similar circumstances, realizing that they are not alone. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers every day, and I feel so blessed and privileged to have you as a friend.
This Shabbos is Rosh Chodesh Sh’vat, the month in which TU B’shvat falls in. The message of this month is to teach us that even in the dead of winter there is life for that is when the plants and trees begin to sprout, but they are under ground and we can’t see it. In a few months time though we will see the world come alive with green, which all started now in the deepest most darkest time of winter.
Your tears and prayers and dreams and hopes are like the winter rains in Israel. Though you can’t see it they are bringing life to a new tomorrow. May you and Jeff be blessed to see the newness and beauty of spring very soon in your life.
Her words, along with others, help lift me up. I understand that even though I have been unable to conceive a child, I have helped others. My openness and willingness to share our journey, has made it possible for other women struggling with infertility to share their stories. It is easy for one to make assumptions about others, and to be jealous of what others have. We often do not know the lengths and struggles that couples go to conceive. By sharing my story, I have been privy to stories that shatter these picture perfect images. My jealousy was at times ill informed. Instead I see the strength and resilience women demonstrate to conceive a child. Even though we feel like this is the deepest and darkest time of our lives, hope motivates us that our dreams are within reach.
I gain strength from the generosity bestowed on us by so many women. These women have made me a better and stronger person because of their selfless acts. I may not have a child, but am blessed by the beautiful acts of many women. Their gestures and kind words raise me up when I am at my lowest emotional point. These women motivate me to push forward, put my sadness aside, and reach out to others in need.
I pray that everyone who is struggling can find the same support and kindness bestowed on Jeff and myself. Never be afraid to reach out to someone in need because every gesture can help life someone’s spirits and mood.
After all without the support of others, where would be in this world?