January 11, 2017
One week ago, two tests confirmed that I was not pregnant. The news hit hard; harder than I could ever anticipate. After the initial shock wore off, I felt lost and defeated. I did not understand why once again we were confronted with sadness and disappointment. I began to question and analyze the preceding weeks and years of our infertility journey.
For the past ten years, starting with the unexpected death of my father, I faced one challenge after the next. With the exception of meeting my husband Jeff, I experienced many hardships from career to health. With each challenge, I struggled, but eventually found a way to persevere. This most recent failed attempt at pregnancy impacts me in almost inexplicable ways. At times I feel broken and ready to surrender.
The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. I often break down in tears. I question my faith and beliefs. I question my strength and ability to withstand continued challenges and disappointment in my life.
As I reflect on my expectations for using an egg donor, to assist in getting pregnant, I wonder why I set myself up for such heartache. There were never any guarantees when we chose the egg donor process for pregnancy, but rather my unrealistic expectations. In my heart, I truly believed that this time I would get pregnant because it was not my eggs. I let my emotions cloud my rational mind. When the procedure was unsuccessful, I was ill equipped for the painful reality.
At times, I am unsure how to move on. I feel broken and jaded. I often question my worth as a woman because of my inability to conceive a child. I know to others that these feelings may appear dramatic, but the failure is still painful. This is my struggle and I will not filter or control my beliefs.
I want to scream and I want answers. Unfortunately, there are no answers. Instead, I need to continue to get out of bed every day and live life to the fullest. I need to look for meaning and fulfillment even when the cards I am dealt are not perfect, because life is not perfect. Each day I need to put one foot in front of the other and not allow this latest heartbreak to fracture my will. I have to believe that there is something better in our future. I refuse to allow this set back to paralyze or define my worth.
I need to find the strength to rid myself of these baby blues…