Posted by: Babyblues | January 14, 2017

A Case of the Baby Blues



January 11, 2017

One week ago, two tests confirmed that I was not pregnant. The news hit hard; harder than I could ever anticipate. After the initial shock wore off, I felt lost and defeated. I did not understand why once again we were confronted with sadness and disappointment. I began to question and analyze the preceding weeks and years of our infertility journey.

For the past ten years, starting with the unexpected death of my father, I faced one challenge after the next. With the exception of meeting my husband Jeff, I experienced many hardships from career to health. With each challenge, I struggled, but eventually found a way to persevere. This most recent failed attempt at pregnancy impacts me in almost inexplicable ways. At times I feel broken and ready to surrender.

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. I often break down in tears. I question my faith and beliefs. I question my strength and ability to withstand continued challenges and disappointment in my life.

As I reflect on my expectations for using an egg donor, to assist in getting pregnant, I wonder why I set myself up for such heartache. There were never any guarantees when we chose the egg donor process for pregnancy, but rather my unrealistic expectations. In my heart, I truly believed that this time I would get pregnant because it was not my eggs. I let my emotions cloud my rational mind. When the procedure was unsuccessful, I was ill equipped for the painful reality.

At times, I am unsure how to move on. I feel broken and jaded. I often question my worth as a woman because of my inability to conceive a child. I know to others that these feelings may appear dramatic, but the failure is still painful. This is my struggle and I will not filter or control my beliefs.

I want to scream and I want answers. Unfortunately, there are no answers. Instead, I need to continue to get out of bed every day and live life to the fullest. I need to look for meaning and fulfillment even when the cards I am dealt are not perfect, because life is not perfect. Each day I need to put one foot in front of the other and not allow this latest heartbreak to fracture my will. I have to believe that there is something better in our future. I refuse to allow this set back to paralyze or define my worth.

I need to find the strength to rid myself of these baby blues…




  1. Praying for you and feeling every ounce of your emotions. In the end, remember how beautiful you are and the gift you have with Jeff. When I feel so overwhelmed I try to look beside me and seeing the cheering squad I have gives me comfort in knowing whatever the future holds I have a wonderful family already surrounding me too. Lots of love to you.

  2. Hi, I have read this blog. This is very true and i appreciate this blog and the author. I am glad to inform you that we are running a IVF Centre in Nepal. Contact us:- 977-9808978369

    • Thank you. Unfortunately, your center is very far from where we live

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